When I got up onto the street it was still windy or maybe even windier so I zipped up my coat and shoved my hands deep in my pants pockets and went for a walk. The wind was blowing at me and stinging my face so I went into another street and the wind still was blowing in my face so I thought I'd turn right at the next street and I did. And the effin wind still blew in my face and I was getting cold again but kept on walking anyway just to get warm when a car beeped it's horn at me and nearly scared me but it didn't it just made me mad and I told the driver that was driving the car that when driving he should use his indicator because he didn't give any signal or anything and some people across the street laughed until I looked over at them. They seemed like nice people, a boy and a two girls but they stopped laughing anyway and then I could see how funny the car honking its horn at me must have been like to them and I laughed. They kinda started walking faster and I kept looking at them. Anyway I got back off the road and back on the kerb and started walking again, my heart was banging in my throat but I was still laughing. The streets didn't have many people in them and it wasn't a bad evening except for the wind. The weather here is always shitty because it always rains and is always windy and sometimes the sun will shine but it doesn't shine for long you can nearly count all the days that the sun shines on. I remember last summer, it fell on a Thursday but I just kept going for my walk.
So there I was rambling along trying to keep warm and killing time before I went home and I saw one of those machines that give you money if you can remember your code number, mine is 0666 and I took out some money when I remembered about a great ol' bar that was downtown and because I was passing it I thought I would go in for a drink before going home and everything and get myself a couple of drinks for a nightcap so's I could sleep when I got back to the ranch. The ranch is the cool name I made up for my home and I get a kick out of telling people that I live on a ranch but not everybody gets the joke. Anyway I went into this cool pub. There was no-one else there except for two bartenders and when they saw me come in they whispered something at each other and the girl dried her hands on her apron and threw her towel on the counter and asked me what I wanted to drink. Well it was getting late and I really wanted to make sure I would get myself a good night's sleep because of the fact that I am having trouble sleeping lately so I asked for a beer and a double whiskey and a glass of water. I hooked the bottle of beer with a finger and dipped another finger in the glass of water and carried the whiskey in my other hand and went to a table in a corner and sat down.
I had a really good time in the pub. It was so funny. I remembered the times I had when I was a worker on construction sites and like the time we had to do a renovation job on the upstairs lounge of a gay bar and didn't ol' Rinty one of our guys start horsing around making fun of gay guys and the bar had a navy sort of sea theme with a big rope dangling from the ceiling. Well, well......well didn't Rinty drop his drawers around his ankles and started to swing on the rope and making out like he was gay. Boy we all broke up laughing with him swinging back and forth and talking with a lispth. Anyway, wait.......the, the next day our boss from head office showed up and he is the managing director or something and he went straight into the manager's office of this gay bar......then after a half hour or so he called Rinty over and he asked the rest of us to have a look as well. And there on the TV monitor from the day before was ol' Rinty swinging like a fool with his drawers down round his ankles. We all broke up at that. Didn't the manager keep his security cameras running keeping an eye on us. Well we all just busted up laughing and really laughing out loud and I was still laughing when the barman came over to my table and asked me to be quiet and for me to drink up my whiskey and leave. This wasn't nice because I had just spent a lot of money on beer and more whiskey that night I think they even charged me for the water.
I was pretty drunk by now and with tears in my voice I asked him if he would just let me have one more drink then I would go home. It took him a while but he said aye, ok but just the one. So I ordered a double whiskey, and a glass of water just to chase it down my throat and take the burnyness out of the liquor and he did. So I sat quiet for a while and drank my whiskey with water. I know a lot of songs. Songs of all kinds and as I was thinking of one of my favorites for to sing with my whiskey a favourite poem of mine leaped into my soul and I stood up and raised a toast to the empty bar...."Into our townlan' on a night of snow...." and before I could finish the first line the effin' barman was back over at my table and grabbed my whiskey out of my hand and ordered me to leave his premises, not without my whiskey I won't I said waving my hands like the Pope blessing the Catholics. I knew he would give me my drink back because I had seen him throw out drunks, I mean really bad drunks but they said they weren't leaving until they got what they paid for and he handed them their beers and stuff back to them in plastic glasses and I remember getting angry at the barman them times and I left with the drunks in their support. So I got my whiskey in a plastic glass and headed for the door and the girl bartender gave me a scary look then ran to the door so's she could lock it behind me. I told her I needed to go to the toilet but she said something about pissing in my own toilet and get out of her bar and onto the street. Outside I started walking up the street light headed but I still needed to piss so I did what the bargirl told me, I pissed in her locked doorway on the street. I like the nightime.
You know I've been thinking of getting myself one of them circumcisions 'cause you heard the limerick about no matter how much you shake your peg, well it's true I gave it a good shake in the pub doorway but as soon a I walked back onto the street didn't it dribble and run down my leg. I think it backs up under the foreskin and then waits until you move then leaks out and rolls down your leg. At first it was warm but then turned cold on my thigh. Fucking pissed me off, always does. So I wanted to get home now, I really did and the bartenders in the pub weren't bothering me any more and I kept on walking. So I walked up the street then turned into another street then one more until I couldn't remember where I lived but I was on the right track I knew I was when I saw a big church spire and I turned in behind it and saw where I lived. Boy was I glad, I was cold and wet and my fingers were freezing.
Anyway I got to my door and searched for my key and where was it. I didn't know and I fell against the door and then backwards onto the road, everything in the sky was spinning so I stayed still until the ground felt still and solid beneath me and I got up onto my knees and I was getting standing up when my front door opened. And don't ye know it was 'oul Mrs. Brady....good God Spiers where have you been, we've been worried all night c'mon up ye get and she shoved her arm under my elbow when out came ol' sourpuss McSorley. He joined in helping Mrs. Brady and got me into my house. When I was in the dining room they sat me down on a chair and Mrs. Brady got a damp cloth to wipe the blood from my head she kept on tapping the back of my head and saying tut tut you don't look too bad it's bed time but ol' sourpuss McSorley was standing looking down at me with his arms folded. He said Spiers you know what time you have to be in for. Look he said with his watch it's three thirty and we had to peel you up of the street.
I said something but he wasn't listening and he told me he would see me in the morning and I asked him for my tablets and sleeping pill so's I could get the good night's sleep I needed but he said something about drink and tablets aren't allowed and I knew the rules and anyway I was helped upstairs to my room and put into bed. The ceiling was going round and round and I felt sick and I fell asleep.
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